I said I was going to blog in 2015 and if I'm going to blog then I need to be true to what's really going on in my life. I think my lack of transparency is why I haven't blogged in so long. So... truth time:
I never thought I'd say this-- or even put this out there for people to read-- but trying to get pregnant is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
Miles and I have been trying to have a baby for well over a year and a half.
We've been tested. I've had (many painful) exams. I've charted for the past 13 months. I've been taking my temperature daily since May. We've had so much sex that if people were to find out, Miles would get high-fives from strangers (for real). I've finished my third round of fertility medicine.
There has been anger and tears-- so many tears.
I've gone through every horrible situation in my head.
I've Googled everything imaginable about trying to conceive and infertility.
I've laughed at how much birth control money I could have saved over the years.
I've meditated, prayed, and wished on shooting stars.
And still... I'm not pregnant.
But what bothers me most about everything, is that I can't talk about it. No one talks about infertility. Pregnancy and babies are favorite topics among my coworkers right now, but no one talks with those who can't. Infertility is isolating.
I'm not bitter- at least I try not to be, but I'm discouraged. The journey to having children is usually an easy one for couples who've been together for 11 years and married for 5... So to not be pregnant leaves me sad and confused.
I know one day Miles and I will have children, but I wish for my heart's sake that I could know when this will happen. I'm working on being patient, but how much more patient can I be?
And that, my friends, is what's really on my mind.
